Embracing Difference, Everyday

A frequent point of discussion in my work with couples is finding ways to harness the power of our individual differences as a force for connection instead of distance. Instead of our differences pushing us further apart, causing resentments, and amplyfying our frustrations in our romantic relationships our differences can bring us closer together, create healthy bonds, and be a vehicle for resolving conflict.

This is often a significant paradigm shift for both partners who have been understandably mislead by a culture that seems to overemphasize similarity in relationships, especially romantic ones. A culture that believes two people must enjoy the same hobbies, watch the same content, spend money in similar ways, have equal sex drives, to name a few examples. Surely too many differences, or differences in too many critical areas of personal values and ethics, is a recipe for poor attachment. But too little differences in personality, temperments, recreational preferences, and sexualities is often a recipe for codependence, exhaustion, contempt, and just plain old boringness.

I'm reflecting today, however, that perhaps I'd serve myself well to apply this logic more broadly in my life. Maybe even, dare I say, everywhere in my life...

The car zooming past me on my left going 20 MPH over the speed limit? Perhaps I ought to be glad they drive like that. Because if they didn't, perhaps I'd be pulled over for going 5 MPH over. And I'd lose the small joy of looking to my passenger and saying "look at this jackass".

The person who parks their car crooked, taking up two spots in front of the store? Perhaps I ought to be glad they park like that. Because if they didn't perhaps I wouldn't resist the urge to do the same the next time I'm in a rush. Moving us one human closer to a world full of bad parking jobs.

The people out there who don't hold the door open for the person behind them sure do help create an environment in which people are grateful when I do. That's nice.

Thank goodness there's folks out there who went into the trades, I need someone to call when my toilet leaks or my car breaks down.

And the people who don't like the beach sure don't get in my way when I'm looking to get a few hours on the sand.

Nevermind that if the world was full of people just like me the world would become infinity more redundant, predictable, and BORING. It's more than that; it wouldn't work at all. Which seems obvious, but so often, it's not.

I often do get angry at the jackass speeding past me: "why can't he just slow down like I do?" I do often find myself judging people who aren't thoughtful enough to hold a door, like I am. And I do sometimes get frustrated that people I care about don't want to go to the beach with me. "who could possibly not like the beach?!"

I need to more frequently remind myself that if I want to be able to speed a bit on the highway, or have someone to call that does roofing when my roof goes bad, then the cost of that is allowing and even embracing the other differences we humans tend to have in life that are less palatable. Just like in our relationships, we must do this on the road, at work, at home, and everywhere in between.