An obituary for the obituary - Part II

The “pros” of the Facebook Obituary

Though I have some concerns about the “Facebook Obituary” trend, as I've coined it, I believe it's only fair that I acknowledge the positives. It's also important that we enumerate the positive aspects in an effort to bring awareness to what are generally considered in grief work to be important components of healthy grieving. I'll bold this part of the commentary below.

I have seen some exceptionally beautiful, thoughtful, and sentimental Facebook posts honoring the life and death of their loved one. In reading them I can imagine they are uniquely cathartic and I am glad folks are finding that release during a profoundly difficult time. I can certainly see how, when done with awareness and in tandem with other grief and mourning practices, the Facebook Obituary has its place in many people’s grieving.

First, I find it’s nice that the posts can be as long as they want to be, that the writer isn't handcuffed by word limits like you might find in a traditional obituary, either digital or in print. Our English language, or any human language, generally doesn't have the breadth or the depth to fully convey the profound and complicated feelings involved in grief and loss. And as such, having more space, more words, at your disposal to try and express the pain is almost always helpful. I do believe there is a limit to this, I'm sure most people would agree there is such a thing as a Facebook post being too long, no matter what the content is. But in my anecdotal experience folks generally don't cross over into this territory too often. A large majority of the time, the unlimited space is a benefit to the person posting. It gives the author space to acknowledge the many complexities of the person’s life, death, and the relationship they shared together. 

I think it's great that Facebook Obituaries can include one or two or, in some cases, a dozen photos of a loved one alongside it; the writer doesn't have to just pick one photo like in the more traditional obituary. I cannot overstate the frequency in which I hear of folks, often family members, struggling and arguing over which photo to use in an obituary and the unnecessary harm it causes for everyone involved. Some folks believe it’s important the photo reflects the person at their best, in their “prime”; some folks believe it's important the photo reflects who the person was as recently as possible. Arguments can be made that the photo is more for the family than it is for the public, and vice-versa. I'm not sure there are right answers in any direction to any of these debates. When given the opportunity, what I've encouraged folks to do is to try and choose a photo that the deceased themselves appeared to enjoy, which is often a photo somewhere in a frame in their home, or hanging on a wall, or, nowadays, was their profile photo on Facebook. I also remind folks they will have opportunities to choose other photos, ones of their preference, at other times in the grieving process to use in commemorating or memorializing the person. Thankfully, the Facebook Obituary helps solve this problem quite nicely, allowing the writer to include any number of photos with the post that brings them meaning and connection.

I think it's wonderful that it's free, that no one is paying by the letter or by the square inch. Grief and loss are too often, sadly, complicated by the financial implications for those who are most impacted by the loss and any way we can mitigate these complications is welcomed. I believe we can appreciate the difficult position newspaper outlets are in when it comes to maximizing the profit of every square inch of their print publication, or every pixel of their online edition, while also acknowledging the fact that the costs associated with obituary postings in newspapers have become, for most people, unreasonable. Newspaper obituaries have come to cost hundreds of dollars; longer obituaries which include a photo often cost many hundreds of dollars. Their digital counterparts, the online obituary hosting sites, do cost less, but will often still cost between $50 and $100 depending on the service and the amenities it offers. The cost of the obituary, of course, is relative; relative to the readership of the publication, which in every example is significantly down compared to prior years, and also relative to the other costs loved ones are assuming in laying the deceased to rest, which in every example is up significantly compared to prior years. We also find ourselves in the middle of a challenging economic moment for most average Americans. In this unique environment the costs of an obituary present more of a challenge to those who have suffered a loss than ever before, and I can understand the allure of a completely free option. Facebook appears to be offering that to folks.

Lastly, I believe the Facebook Obituary is fairly unique in that the author has complete autonomy over it. The author can speak for themselves, allowing other family members to do the same in their own posts, meaning there isn’t this pressure to agree on what needs to be said in a moment like this. There’s also very little restriction on what can be said; assuming nothing breaks Facebook’s policies the author can say whatever they want to say about the deceased in whatever language, tone, and tenor they like. Grief is a profoundly personalized experience; we all grieve and mourn losses differently. And each loss is different, too. Giving each person affected by a loss the ability to say what they want to say about the deceased, in the way they want to say it, is quite powerful. In grief work we believe the writing of the obituary to be a unique part of the process of mourning, grieving, coping, and healing. Historically this might have only been available to the next-of-kin, or the person otherwise appointed as in-charge, or might have been shared with a small group of loved ones. Now, with Facebook, everyone can enjoy the benefits of taking pen to paper, or in this case fingertips to keyboard, and processing their grief and pain by using words to share the news with others. And because the post doesn’t need to conform to traditional rules around the language and tone of obituaries, each person can feel comfortable speaking their truth about the complexities of the person’s life and death. Considering these two big differences, I can certainly see how the Facebook Obituary is a unique and welcomed opportunity for folks dealing with the loss of a loved one.

An obituary is most often one of the first steps in mourning, that is, the public-facing part of the grieving process; it comes before wakes, funerals, burials, celebrations of life, memorials, and other mourning practices. So much of writing an obituary is an exercise in accepting the loss just enough to share the news with others, while so many other parts of your being are in denial, anger, or depression. This is an important part of taking the first steps towards a place of greater acceptance and integration of the loss in your life, and it does appear to be something the Facebook post does allow for as much as a traditional obituary would. It also serves the purpose of alerting the people in your life that you've suffered a loss and could likely benefit from some support, presence, and kindness during this time. In a world where we seem more fractured in our connectedness by the day, this is critically important and I'm glad that the Facebook post serves this function as well. 

Adding these benefits to the ones outlined above, I can appreciate how and why Facebook Obituaries seem to be slowly replacing the old traditions. I believe these changes in obituary practices pose challenges as well, which we’ll explore in the next installment of the series, but the advantages do deserve acknowledgement. It is my hope this outline may assist someone in understanding why they may be considering a certain type of obituary for their loved one, validate someone’s frustrations with the current practices around obituaries, and/or give someone grieving permission to pursue the kind of obituary for their loved one that they feel is best for them in this moment.