An obituary for the obituary - Part IV
The first thing I’d like to do in this fourth and final installment of this blog series (final for now, at least) is recap some of the points made in previous installments while also offering some closing, forward looking, thoughts on the topic.
As in the previous installments I’ll repeat here that I do not judge as better or worse the more traditional practices around death and obituaries or the more modern approach. I hope I’ve done a nice job highlighting the costs and benefits of both with the goal of helping folks feeling unsure, uncertain, or otherwise curious about the topic make a more informed and thoughtful decision or understanding.
As such, as we review the points made previously, let;s frame these items as such:
Regardless of how you choose to publicize or spread news of your loss, please give yourself the gift of…
Taking into account, in whatever proportion feels authentic to you: the historical intentions of the practice of obituaries, your particular set of wants, needs, and resources, and the wants and wishes of the deceased.
Remembering that as much as we may try, our language generally doesn’t have the capacity to fully convey the profound and complicated thoughts and feelings we experience in grief and loss, so take the pressure off to find them in your writing.
Acknowledging and allowing the sad, more modern, reality that loss is indeed complicated by the financial implications of a death. We cannot act as if these financial complications are not real, though we also cannot be ruled by them exclusively. We aim to mitigate costs when able and to also indulge in costs when they are congruent with the desires of the deceased and the wants and needs of those left behind.
Reminding ourselves, as often as we need to, that grief is a profoundly personalized experience; we all grieve and mourn losses differently. Giving each person affected by a loss the ability to say what they need to say, do what they need to do, is a beautiful gift. There will be some parts of mourning and publicizing a loss that can be more autonomous, and some which will need to be more collaborative. The key is knowing the difference.
Part of the gift of obituary writing, or other public statements of loss, is that in the act of writing there is often this shift in point of view, away from the heavy subjectivity of our pain to a slightly more objective view of the loved one’s life. We do well to remember that this shift in perspective, even if it’s for only brief moments, is often a critical reprieve from the overwhelming thoughts and feelings of profound pain folks are feeling in these early hours and days of a loss.
Working to avoid, as much as possible, allowing decisions related to someone’s obituary to become a flashpoint for conflict between you and your other loved ones. Far more often will clients speak about regrets over strained relationships after these types of conflicts than do clients express regrets over flower arrangements, obituary photos, or words in an obituary.
Furthermore, we are better off remembering that if such moments of disagreement and conflict are handled with care, respect, and a mutual understanding of everyone’s pain, these can be really healthy and therapeutic moments for everyone involved.
Keeping in mind that the collaborative process of writing the obituary, or by engaging in a virtual discussion or collaboration on Facebook, serve the critical purpose of having your pain and grief validated by the pain and grief of the others. When these opportunities are too strongly monopolized by one person, that person loses the opportunity to get that love and validation from others.
Choosing a path in which we allow, and maybe even encourage, people who love us and care about us to act out their love and kindness towards us in our time of loss in more substantial and meaningful ways. Seek out hugs, and flowers, and notes, and visits more than text messages, and “likes”, and direct messages. Folks will be more than happy to offer you those, so you may have to ask for the good stuff.
Going forward there does not seem to be a great un-doing of the social changes that have made obituaries so different today than they’ve ever been in our history. Nor does there seem to be any great return to some of the social norms of yesteryear, whether it be newspapers regaining popularity, folks reading obituary pages again, or hand-written notes or the popularity of funerals. None of this will ever be what it once was.
That being said I do see opportunities for small changes for all of us. I’d encourage everyone to try and interact with death, mourning, and grieving just a little bit differently than you may originally be tempted to.
Maybe we can help validate those around us in their experiences with death and loss by sharing a bit of what we’ve learned in our own experience, or a bit of what we’ve learned here.
Maybe we subscribe to our local newspapers, and read it! Especially the obituary sections. Or, we could make a concerted effort to read up on obituaries at our local funeral homes or on an aggregation site like Legacy.com; in the hopes of learning about losses folks in your life might be dealing with but not advertising or publicly speaking about.
Perhaps we can have healthy, more proactive, conversations with the people we care about and love about the topic of final arrangements. After all, do you know what your spouse, or sister, or parent want to have happen in their honor after they pass? Many of us don’t. I think it’d be so healthy to change that.
Arguably most importantly, if we come across a Facebook obituary from someone we know or care about, perhaps we can buck the trend, lead by example, and pick up the phone, or send a note rather than sending a text or reacting to the Facebook post. In almost every instance, this effort is profoundly appreciated, and will often be reciprocated, in our own hours of need.
I look forward to exploring new topics in this blog going forward. I’m grateful for those who read this and considered my thoughts on the topic; I hope at least one person, somewhere, someday, finds it even minimally helpful.